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Carol Perkins: Perils for apparel in Plate-to-mouth maneuver

'More than once I have toppled over a glass of tea and grabbed napkins to soak it up. When I was at a grape stomping, I tripped in a mole hole, went to the ground in my white Capri pants and came up with grass stains on both knees. I met my future son-in-law looking like I had been playing football.' CAROL PERKINS
Next earlier Carol Perkins column: Carol Perkins: Reviews of four KY books about the drug takeover

By Carol Perkins

Children are expected to wear what they eat. Parents use bibs to protect their clothes. They spill milk; get gum stuck in their hair, and ruin their pants with grass stain. That is just what children do. Evidently, I have never grown out of that stage because I usually end up wearing what I eat or spilling something on me.


More than once I have toppled over a glass of tea and grabbed napkins to soak it up. When I was at a grape stomping, I tripped in a mole hole, went to the ground in my white Capri pants and came up with grass stains on both knees. I met my future son-in-law looking like I had been playing football.

Recently, I was eating a salad from a salad bar. Any salad usually falls off the fork on its way to my mouth and lands either on my top or my pant leg. This time I was going to be so careful since I was headed to Bowling Green. With each bite, I held a napkin under my chin like I have seen caretakers do in nursing facilities. French dressing would not look good on a white top.

When I finished, I was relieved that nothing spilled. At least that is what I thought until I saw a coffee spot the size of a couple of quarters on my top. I went to the ladies' room, turned my top around, and hid the stain. This was not the first time I had worn my top backward.

One of the most embarrassing times happened when Jon (our son) was participating in a "semester abroad" program in London with several of his Center College classmates, and we were all to converge at the Cincinnati airport.

Jon, Guy, and I were having a cup of coffee at a coffee bar in the waiting area. I don't know how it happened, but in the blink of an eye, I flipped over the entire cup of coffee right on my white pants. Even though totally embarrassed, I acted as if nothing was wrong, but everyone could see my coffee leg. What an impression I must have made!

Sometimes what happens isn't my fault. When Carla was in elementary school, she won the local spelling bee, which meant she would compete in the state contest in Louisville. Guy and I, proud as punch, took her to the Galt House and sat as she spelled her way through a few rounds. After the contest, we went to the hotel restaurant.

As the waitress was pouring water into our "crystal" glasses from her chilled silver pitcher, she missed my glass and poured ICE water in my lap. She kept pouring and pouring! Honestly, if I had not known better I would have thought I was being punked! My lap was soaking and when I stood, water ran into my shoe. I went to the bathroom, took my pants off, and wrung out the water. To make matters worse, she said, "I'm sorry. This is my first day." Lucky me.

Not long ago when I was eating out and holding my napkin under my chin, a woman at least in her fifties said, "You remind me of my grandmother. She always ate like that." Guy choked his laughter in his own napkin, but I could see his dancing eyes! He finally composed himself and said, "I can't take her anywhere!"

After all these years, he has likely discovered he did not marry a graceful, refined lady. Poor man.
(My new book, A Girl Named Connie, is available at Blossoms Florist and Boutique Unique, 507 Happy Valley Road, Glasgow, KY 42141, Phone 270-629-3597; the Edmonton/Metcalfe Chamber of Commerce, 109 E Stockton Street, Edmonton, KY, Phone 270-432-3222; and the Lighthouse Restaurant, 1500 Sulphur Well/Knob Lick Road, Sulphur Well Historic District, KY 42129. Phone 270-629-3597. And Also on Amazon.com)

Contact: Carol Perkins, PO Box 134, Edmonton, KY 42129. Phone 670-432-5756. carolperkins06@gmail.com >


This story was posted on 2017-03-09 04:32:16
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