MULE AND TURNIP SURPRISE

1 850-pound mule

6 bushels of flour

4 tubs of lard

4 barrels of cheap white wine

1 truckload of turnips

8 cups extra-virgin olive oil

4 lemons, cut into thin slices

4 cups cornstarch

1 large bowl of ice and water

2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce (optional)

Cut mule into one- to one-and-a-half-inch cubes. Reserve ears and tail. Roll cubes in flour and brown in hot lard in a mule-sized Dutch oven. Add wine and turnips, cover tightly, and simmer until mule is tender, about one month.

Meanwhile, in a deep saucepan, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat until it is smoking. Coat mule ears and lemon slices in cornstarch and drop into the oil, cooking until crispy. Remove mule ears and place in ice bath. Remove from bath when cool and chop fine.

Add chopped mule ears to mule-and-turnip mixture. Mix well, using a wooden oar. Season with the Worcestershire if desired. Garnish with tail and serve immediately.

Serves fifteen to twenty orphans.