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Carol Perkins: Welcome to the world baby girl

By Carol Perkins

Welcome to the world baby girl. You come with a mother and a father and starting this year, you, and all other newborns, come with a full-time therapist. She (He) is the one with the clipboard, watching over the nurses as they tend to you in the nursery. This therapist will stay with you until you are out of high school. Then he/she will be recycled to another newborn. This is part of a wellness plan to help you grow up to be well adjusted and productive.

Why might you need a therapist? According to experts, the first three years of your life are the most important. A resident therapist will keep your well-meaning parents from messing up. Your mother and father love you, but they don't necessarily know how to keep from inflicting their (and others) personalities and emotions and habits and actions on you. After all, the new will wear off and then you will be treated like all other members of the family, which could be good or bad.

Poor parenting during this time can cause you not to like yourself when you're older and/or have trouble with relationships. It can also lead to learning problems, eating disorders, addictions, crime and violence issues, and all kinds of social issues. Who knew? With your own personal therapist, you can avoid these problems.

She will shield you against bullies at school and bullies at home. She won't let anyone tease you for having big ears, a pointed nose, buck teeth, or skinny legs. If you're pretty, she'll help you cope with jealous girls who say, "You can't play with us." If you're average or below, she'll fight off those who call you skank. She'll comfort you when you are not invited to a party, don't win a trophy, aren't chosen cheerleader, don't make the ball team, make a low grade when you thought you deserved better, and when you are accused of taking someone's pencil when you didn't.

She'll lessen your hurt when your parents fight, when your sister torments you, or when your brother threatens you if you don't fix him a sandwich. When an insensitive aunt tells you that you are chubby, she'll minimize the pain as she will also do when you have to stay all night with cousins when you don't want to go.

Your personal therapist will calm you before a test, boost your confidence when standing in front of the class, and step up when you are told you are not smart enough (maybe not with those words) to go to college and might be better off to consider vocational training. She will not let you be a whipping girl for your siblings when they blame you for what they did; she will shame your mother when she spends more playing bingo than she does on food or clothing the family, or strengthen you for those nights when Daddy comes home drunk or Mama brings home a new boyfriend.

In some homes she will have an easy job. If lucky, you will be brought into a solid home with parents who know how to rear kids, how to show kindness and love, and a stable surrounding. However, most kids do not come into the world with such a package. That is why the government has decided to provide you and all newborns with personal therapists. Then perhaps you and all your fellow Amricans can be happy adults. Productive adults. Contented adults. Prosperous adults.

When your parents are 65 a therapist will show up to soothe them when they feel guilty or unsure about the things they did wrong while you were growing up. Make room on the couch!


Carol Perkins, the writer of this popular CM Column, is an author, owner and operator of Main Street Screenprinting, 601 S. Main Street, Edmonton, KY, Phones 270-432-3152 and 270-670-4913 and is co-host of Susan (Susan Shirley Chambers) & Carol (Carol Sullivan Perkins) on 99.1 The Hoss, regularly live at 10amCT, each Tuesday. Watch CM Events for topics/guests on the show.


This story was posted on 2015-03-08 08:32:43
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