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Chuck Hinman: IJMA. Embarrassed forever by 'his' magazine

Chuck Hinman: Embarrassed forever by 'his' magazine dropped on the elevator. Chuck helps a lady get rid of the girlie magazines from her unwanted subscription that seems never to expire.
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By Chuck Hinman

Embarrassed forever by 'his' magazine dropped on the elevator

Have you noticed that a lot can be known about a person's real character from the people they hang out with?

This is a tongue in cheek story I wrote several years ago about a shady lady in my life whose name I have forgotten by the passage of time:
I sit at a table at mealtime here at Tallgrass Estates where there are two women and two of us guys. I know one of the ladies quite well. We are not an 'item' but share a common interest of writing.

Girlie magazine subscription seems never to run out

For some reason which she says she doesn't remember, and I don't have any reason not to believe her, she has a magazine subscription she doesn't remember ordering and it never seems to run out.

It's a 'girlie' magazine with very clear explicit pictures, even on the cover. She says she is embarrassed when it comes each month and, without looking at it, tears the label with her name and address off the cover and brings it to me at mealtime to 'get rid of.' She wants me to dispose of it on my floor -- anything, just so it can't be traced to her.

I haven't as much interest in girlie magazines as I might have had in earlier days -- but perhaps a smidgen of prurient interest, for the literary value! I am a burgeoning writer, you know! OK -- I'm still a man, albeit an old one and I only have one eye that works, so where's the harm? I mostly try to accommodate an old friend and that's the truth whether you believe it or not. Mind your own business whoever you are who are smirking as you read this! Excuse me for becoming defensive!

Current issue ready for disposal

Last night she brought the current issue to the dinner table. I noticed a hint of cheap perfume and she seemed unusually agitated as she leaned into me and with steely eyes whispered "Get rid of it for me!" I also noticed at close range she needs some help with her lipstick placement.

Like the innocent lamb I am, I smiled nervously as I laid the magazine face down on the window sill behind us.

The magazine lands on the elevator floor

Wouldn't you know it, as I was on my way back to my apartment on a crowded elevator with the evil magazine tucked snugly in my Baptist armpit, it got jostled onto the floor with the cover smack-dab up!

I have never seen the elevator so well lighted! The light surge was almost like an electrical tsunami or whatever that word is! I suddenly felt light-headed as I frantically fought off a feeling of wanting to faint but not knowing how.

Trying to hide cover by standing on it

I tried to stand on the magazine but I could still see breasts sticking out everywhere around my size 12 shoes! The more I stomped on them, the bigger they got! What to do!

I couldn't get down to pick it up because I'm so old and stoved-up. Everyone on the elevator suddenly had 20/20 vision and wanted to help an old man pick up 'his' magazine off the floor, old women everywhere, even in the rafters, squawking -- 'C-H-U-U-C-K' with smirky smiles on their wrinkled faces. Even I knew how unbelievable I sounded when I pleaded "IT'S NOT MY MAGAZINE!" No one believed me and I knew it! I was trapped!

Never so embarrassed

I have never been so embarrassed. I could have died and I can hardly wait to tell my friend at lunch tomorrow to handle her own trashy magazines from now on!

Is that funny or what? My reputation is forever tarnished!

Wondering about friend and remembering mom's advice

I miss my friend since her family moved her to another facility where I wonder who is helping her dispose of her trashy magazines.

Mom was right when she warned us kids when we were growing up to avoid friendships with 'friends' who will embarrass us some day. It's called 'guilty by association' and I've been there, done that several times.

Written by Chuck Hinman, 7 January 2005 [Slightly revised and some material from a 9 April 2011 revision incorporated. - RHS]

This story was posted on 2013-09-15 03:39:39
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