HELP WANTED -- Copy clerk.

Must be palsied of hand, blurry of vision, and hard of hearing. Must know alphabet well enough to abbreviate names to initials but not well enough to spell names properly. Must prove proficiency in making capitol I's, J's, & S's in an identical manner, also capital L's, T's & F's, as well as lower case p's, f's, & long s'es.

Must provide own self-blotching quill pen and dull knife to whittle on said pen.

Must be willing to demonstrate a commitment to gender equality by randomly substituting 'he' for 'she' and vice versa. Must be able to demonstrate ability to conserve paper by writing 'Quintillion Maximilian VanHook' in one linear inch with no more than seven illegible letters in the surname.

Must display puckish sense of humor by the occasional slight alteration in surname spellings, such as Pettey for Polley, Polley for Foley, Foley for Farley, and Farley for Rosenbaum.

Tendency to pyromania a definite plus.

Inquire within.