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JIM: CM report of motor trip to Eli, KY, evokes memories of Ono

The letter below was an attempt to enlighten the editor of CM, following his recent visit to Eli, after which he admitted, privately, an appalling ignorance of the geography of a Sacred Triangle anchor city, Ono. The outrageosity of the statements contained herein are solely the responsibility of the writer. - CM


Many a time has the sun set and the moon risen I breathed a lungful of that righteous Eli air. (Even tho' that esteemed place is Outside the Sacred Triangle, I'll be the first to say that there's always been a sense of Rightness around Eli, except in a perfidious place or two where the Unwashed make corn squeezin', and even those places are pretty damned good compared to the hell's delight eclypt Jamestown. (To paraphrase what a Kentucky said friend to me when I invited him to head north, cross the Ohio River, and play in the snow while the sun was shining brightly on the south side of Green River, "I ain't lost one G-- ------ed thing in an Ohio snowbank!")

The Eli citizen whom I best knew was Mr. Ernest McKinley, a kinsman of your kinsman-in-law, Mr. L.G. McKinley. Ernest ran a garage at Eli for a several years, in between his involvement with gospel music (he was big in the local and area singing conventions).

Nobody ever got the McKinleys mixed up with anybody else, not until that young upstart banker Walter McKinney moved from Lincoln County to Jimtown, and everybody's been confused ever since, not being able to tell the McKinneys from the McKinleys. (Hint: the McKinney's have the money; the McKinley's have the class.)

But I digress.

Oh, Brother Ed! Like Moses and the Promised Land, you were so close to Ono I'm surprised, nay, amazed, that you couldn't see the celestial aura of that glorious land! To get to Eli, you took KY 76 south from Salem. Had you taken 76 another 0.9 miles south, then made a slight turn onto 1611 (south) and continued for three miles and a cat's whisker, you, Good Sir, would have been right smack dab in the center of just about the most sanctified point of Russell County, a shining Citadel of Glory just outside the Pearly Gates themselves.

An outsider would never know this but my practiced old eyes tell me that Ono is just a bit farther removed from the Gates ever since Rudy Higginbotham married that Hopper girl and removed his fair and radiant countenance from the greater Ono metroplex.

As Clayton Miller referred the Lord to the President's recent message concerning the war with Mexico, so I will refer you to three paragraphs from this 1996 Report No. IV of the Blue Ribbon Bear Board:
But that was before our geographer told us that there was as much chance of there being a place called Ono as there was of somebody named Rudy Higginbotham marrying Ronald Hopper's big sister.

"I can tell you emphatically that I know no Ono," our learned geographer told us, "but maybe you just misunderstood and the bear pictures came from Torch Ridge--and that is in Russell County. So take them over to the Bear Board Science Center, to the Photography Authentication Department, and have it tested.


Epilogue: One other disappointing bit of news and some good news: The disappointing news was we had to fire our geographer, because of the good news that, yes, Virginia, there really is an Ono! It is a suburb of Eli, Russell County, KY, USA. And we have since learned that there really is a Rudy Higginbotham and that, in fact, he did marry Ronald Hopper's sister, that they settled in Adair County, bought a farm, had a son, and lived happily ever afterward, as all blessed to be or become Adair Countians do.
And so it ever was, and so it is, and so it ever shall be. For ever and ever, Amen.

By the by, Eli is nearly the same distance (as the crow flies) from Russell County's far-flung fiefdom of Jabez as it is from Ono. However, if the crow has drive, he can count on traveling almost 25 miles and taking the better part of an hour to get there.


Late of LaGrange, late of Bowling Green, late to bed, late to work, but forever of the Sacred Triangle

This story was posted on 2012-01-04 04:40:27
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