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Chuck Hinman. IJMA No. 127: A funny thing happened to me

It's Just Me Again No. 127: A funny thing happened to me: Peanut butter pie with dream whip topping For past Chuck Hinman columns, thumb back through Sundays with CM, reading ColumbiaMagazine.com as a Daily Newspaper.
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by Chuck Hinman

My co-workers at Phillips Petroleum Company enjoyed my tales of unbelievable things that happened only to me. Like the time I was locked in a toilet stall at work.

The following incident happened last night in my apartment at prestigious Tallgrass Estates here in Bartlesville, Oklahoma.


At lunch yesterday noon, we were served a generous portion of peanut butter pie with dream whip topping. Most people rave over it and I suppose that's why it is served so often.

I can't stand peanut butter deserts or PB candy. Peanut butter is for sandwiches and on crackers. But please don't add a sweet taste to something as good as PB. They are not compatible.

Even though I knew I would never eat it, I had the waitress put my pie in a paper box to go. And that in case I changed my mind before I went to bed, I would eat most anything including hated PB pie.

I stayed up late last night writing. I decided to watch TV for awhile before turning in. As always I looked in the frig to see what looked appetizing. The first thing I noticed was the PB pie in the paper box. I shivered from head to toe and thought "Naw, I ain't that hungry." But there wasn't one other thing except some dried-up salsa. I keep forgetting to toss it. So I gave in. Maybe Tallgrass residents are right. Maybe you have to force yourself and it will grow on you. We'll see

So I tore the lid off the box, got a spoon, and set the box with the pie in it on my computer chair seat and pushed the chair over in front of the TV. My vision is so bad I almost have my nose on the screen to see anything.

It seemed kind of warm so I decided to slip in the bedroom, remove my khakis and watch TV in my underwear. No one would be coming to see me this late.

When I came back to sit down in the chair I had forgotten about the pie on the chair seat. I just flat didn't see it. I was tired and plopped my big fat bottom down and immediately knew I had done something wrong - in fact, very wrong! I had flattened that pie and had peanut butter pie and dream whip everywhere - my underwear, my legs, between my legs -- all over the chair seat and everywhere! Besides that it was uncomfortably cold to my cozy bottom parts.

It took an hour to clean up the mess. The smashed box with the smashed pie is still in the waste basket but it doesn't look very appetizing tonight.

I will either throw the underwear away or pre-wash them in the laundry room when no one can see me. I don't want to be accused of raising a baby in apartment 303.

Written by Chuck Hinman 20 December 2007


This story was posted on 2011-06-05 07:42:40
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