Printed from:

Welcome to Columbia Magazine  

Carol Perkins: Palin, scenic Alaska, and tiring dreams

Tv episode induces night long travel reveries, and two grouchy bears in the morning
To read the next earlier Carol Perkins humor column, click to Carol Perkins: Hello, Kitty. The story of Sassy Cat

By Carol Perkins

Guy always gets up much earlier than I do. He is perky in the morning; I am not. On one particular morning a few days ago, he was stretched back in the recliner when I dragged myself to the coffee pot. He looked whipped.

"What's the matter? " I asked as I poured.

"I'm dead tired."

"From what?"

"I traveled all over Alaska last night with Sarah Palin."

The night before we had watched both episodes of Palin's new reality show. The scenery was an invitation to visit, regardless of one's feelings toward her politics. The vast range of snow covered mountains, glaciers, bald eagles perched openly on the limbs of tall trees, and bears sparring for their territory made me think about how diverse our land is, as well as our people.

Guy and I took an Alaskan cruise one early summer, but didn't see the inside of Alaska. We saw the tourist attractions. What the reality show presents are the places most tourists never see, and the lives of those who earn their living from nature. These were educational and inspiring, and this show will do more for tourism than brochures.

However, I can't say I enjoyed watching her gut fish and bang them over the head with a club (a necessity when halibut fishing). When she went rock climbing, I breathed heavily. The crevices hidden in the snow (she and the guide pronounced the word so differently that I had to figure out what they meant) would have been enough to back me down the mountain. I learned more about Alaska in two hours than I ever did on my own.

From rock climbing to fishing to skeet shooting to clam digging, the show was packed with adventure. Evidently, during his sleep, Guy went on a grand one.

"I have been all over that state. I thought I'd never climb up that mountain. I dragged halibut from the sea to the boat, and rode in that bus for hours. I didn't want to be rude, but I was never so glad to get out of that thing."

"Were they nice?" I had to play this out.

"Actually, they were very nice. Treated me well. By the time we got though clam digging, I was ready to be away from these people. That was just too much togetherness for me. " He described his dream in such vivid detail that I was not sure this man didn't have an out-of-body experience.

My dreams are often like his: tiring.

For the last week, I have dreamed about substituting in a high school classroom. It was maddening.

First, I was late most of the time because I couldn't find my direction. The building was under construction and lots of lumber was piled around the peripheral area of the site. By the time I found my classroom, the students were totally wild.

Loud, vulgar, and rude. I used my teacher voice, but I might as well have been Pee Wee Herman. I think I woke up sweating. Then the next night, I was right back in that classroom.

I remember dreaming that I marched into the principal's office and told him I was leaving right that minute. He smiled in sympathy.

Seems as if I never have a fun, relaxing dream. Mine are stressful and restless and tense.

Why can't I dream of beaches, sunshine, and Jimmy Buffet?

As for the Palins, I'm not sure Guy can take another episode; he might not be physically able!

When I wake up feeling worse than I did when I went to bed, I am a bear all day...Grrrrrr.

This story was posted on 2011-01-09 09:10:20
Printable: this page is now automatically formatted for printing.
Have comments or corrections for this story? Use our contact form and let us know.


Quick Links to Popular Features

Looking for a story or picture?
Try our Photo Archive or our Stories Archive for all the information that's appeared on


Contact us: Columbia Magazine and are published by D'Zine, Ltd., PO Box 906, Columbia, KY 42728.
Phone: 270.403.0017

Please use our contact page, or send questions about technical issues with this site to All logos and trademarks used on this site are property of their respective owners. All comments remain the property and responsibility of their posters, all articles and photos remain the property of their creators, and all the rest is copyright 1995-Present by Columbia! Magazine and D'Zine, Ltd. Privacy policy: use of this site requires no sharing of information. Voluntarily shared information may be published and made available to the public on this site and/or stored electronically. Anonymous submissions will be subject to additional verification. Cookies are not required to use our site. However, if you have cookies enabled in your web browser, some of our advertisers may use cookies for interest-based advertising across multiple domains. For more information about third-party advertising, visit the NAI web privacy site.