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Tom Chaney No. 262: Possum Unlimited

Wherein the intrepid columnist unfolds a proposition to put Hart County, and the nation, back on a firm financial footing
The next earlier Tom Chaney column, a book review Dan Sickles: Roguish Rapscallion

By Tom Chaney
Email: Tom Chaney

Possum Unlimited

Last week a vicious rumor was spread about the territory that your intrepid columnist was lolling about on the beaches of South Georgia with only sea, sun, salt, and Georgia on his mind.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Whilst we were refurbishing ourselves upon the shores of Oglethorpe's colony; and whilst the luscious and oft forbidden fruits de la mare were extensively sampled, the purpose of the trip was largely financial.

As the nation is floundering about while trying to emerge from the doldrums of economic degradation, the staff of Bogus Enterprises, Somewhat Limited, is announcing its plan to set Hart County and the nation back on firm financial footing.

During the last several years Bogus Enterprises and Possum Growers Unlimited have been in the process of consummating an inhospitable takeover of each other.

In the wake of the anniversary of the nation's founding, the combined enterprise is unveiling its plan to provide dressed possum for the food service and home cooking industry.

To implement the plan we are working to improve the breeding stock of possum. One of the tenets of our company is that we will sell no live possum. There is too much danger of the little buggers becoming pets, escaping and ending up as road kill -- a terrible waste of the finest pure-bred stock.

However, in our effort ever to place the cart before the horse our marketing plan and product identification is taking shape.

A catchy slogan is seen as essential to our success. And our road to perfection is littered with rejected ideas.

We have eliminated our first choice as being too matter of fact and pedestrian. It was "EAT MORE POSSUM." Too flat; too blunt.

Our second slogan was a slight improvement, but did not quite say what we wanted said: "Possum, the Other Dark Meat!" We certainly do not wish to offend the pork producers.

At present the entire board of directors are in accord in favor of "POSSUM! IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE!"

To further burnish the image of Possum Unlimited's product P U's board is, of one accord, seeking to apply to the Hart County Fair Board to support our campaign to elect each year a Possum Princess. The standard figure for most beauty contests has been the hour glass. P U's princess shall emulate the robust lines of the wine glass.

It shall be the duty of the P P to travel about extolling the virtue of possum for the elegant table as well as developing recipes for the breed. Toward this end, we are joining in a combine with the Yam Growers Union of Hart County. However, lest the uninitiated chef think that possum and sweet potatoes are the only possible method of preparation, the P P will explore all combinations of flavors. Marsupial with asparagus and capers leaps to mind.

Ah, Yes! I am about to forget our herdsman.

We have searched out the Louisiana/Texas territory for the most promising possum breeder. He is at this very moment on the verge of perfecting a hybrid cross between a Hart County possum and the southwestern armadillo with a view toward producing possum on the half-shell.

Possum by-products will soon roll off the assembly line.

One of our board members is a banjo player. He observed in the 1960's how that banjo players at music meets always sported a confederate battle flag on banjo case, tee shirt, or underwear.

To meet that need, we will tattoo said flag on newborn possums. When mature and ready for slaughter, the hide will be carefully tanned and stretched for use as the head of a banjo - complete with battle flag - in living color.

At the moment we have two needs. The first -- the gift of approximately 300 acres of prime possum land for the possum runs. The second - funds to procure a couple gallons of clear Oh-Be-Joyful to see us to final production.

Our formal business proposal, together with financial statements is on file with our financial institution - The Red Clay Bank of Northtown.
Tom Chaney can be found telling stories, planning his next meal, and occasionally selling books at
Box 73 / 111 Water Street
Horse Cave, Kentucky 42749
Email: Tom Chaney

This story was posted on 2010-07-11 06:29:49
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