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Carol Perkins: Feeling Like Myself

It's been so long since she felt like herself, Carol Perkins says, that she doesn't remember what it was like.
Next previous Carol Perkins column: Churches

By Carol Perkins

I haven't felt like myself lately.

As a matter of fact, I have forgotten what myself feels like. This is one of those saying that makes no sense, but everyone understands.



What does myself feel like? It's been so long, I don't remember.

My main problem is this one knee that won't kick into gear when the rest of my body does.

If I sit too long in a car, I know that once I put one foot on the ground, I better hold on to something because the next foot, the one attached to the bad knee, might balk.

Once out of a car and feet planted, my first step may be a doozy!

I might be able to disguise myself up and walk as if I have no pain, hoping no one will notice the limp, or I could be forced to give in to the bad knee and hobble a few steps until I gain my momentum.

I don't trust that knee. Have you ever had your knee to lock?

Tighter than a drum.

I have been sashaying along, as normally as possible, and with the next step-nothing but air.

One time I stood up from a washbasin at the beauty shop, my knee gave way and I almost crashed into the styling chair.

Embarrassing.

I give credit to this knee problem to all the falls I have sustained in my many years of walking.

Never called graceful, I have a reputation for being a klutz, stumbling over objects in plain view, such as a stool or a chair, and falling over something so small as the remote control caught between my feet.

I can't count the times I have hung a toe in the corner of a chair and fallen on my bad knee once again.

One time I was trying to balance books and a cup of coffee and fell out the back door-on my left knee.

My eyesight the cause? No, just clumsiness.

Even though my left knee has been involved in so many entanglements, I have never been to a doctor to see if something is torn. I can almost bet it is.

Why wouldn't I go? I keep thinking it will get better. I think such thoughts until I catch myself limping into a store, hobbling across a floor, or taking more than a little time to get out of a car.

The old knee also hinders me from climbing flights of stairs like I once did. Now, I stand at the bottom of an arena, knowing my seat is fifteen rows straight up, and wonder if I can make it.

Then I question myself as to whether or not I can get back down.

Sometimes I think I hear the whispers from the younger crowd, "Look at that old woman; she can't get up the stairs."

Maybe I'm hearing my inner voice. I even dreaded climbing the concrete steps into the old courthouse to vote.

Not too long ago, I would not have thought twice about standing on a ladder and painting the trim around a ceiling.

I would be afraid to try that today because of the knee. Too many of my friends have ladder tragedies to tell and I don't want to be one of the tellers.

The worst part of having a bad knee is looking as if I have a bad knee.

I have always told my mother that I hoped she never "walked old."

She doesn't, but I have decided that I am beginning to edge over into the walking old lane.


This story was posted on 2010-06-27 06:35:04
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