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Tom Chaney No. 233: Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog Tom Chaney book review, today, The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog The next earlier Tom Chaney essay is Who We Are: Horse Cave, KY By Tom Chaney Email: Tom Chaney bookstore@scrtc.com Holiday Treacle Christmas is a'coming. The goose is getting fat -- if goose there be aside from one given at the punchbowl during the office party. My favorite image of Christmas comes from Br'er Rabbit stuck in the tar baby. Every step he takes to get away binds him tighter. At Christmas it may not be tar, but molasses and cane syrup will suffice. Those of us subject to the flood of emails from erstwhile friends are awash is sentiment enough to drown the best swimmer. We are given tales of little kids whose dire disease fortunately goes in remission just in time for Santa to plunge down the sooty chimney, pat the little urchin on the head and give him milk and cookies and a toy train when what he needs is valium to kill the pain. Because there is far too much treacle, I am glad to run across a book by Dave Barry which takes a realistic look at the season with high, good humour. The book is The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog. Takes about thirty minutes to read. In that time one's view of Christmas is firmly adjusted. The tears it brings to one's eyes are not the same as the tears of pity for the little match girl who eternally freezes to death outside a rich man's house. I will not tell the whole tale -- just enough to see some boys give the finest comeuppance ever to a Christmas celebration. Three churches stand in a row. Presbyterian, Episcopal, and Catholic. The focus is on the Episcopal pageant staffed by reluctant, mischievous young actors who are eager to add their own take to the traditional story. The narrator opines that it is better to be a shepherd than a "Three King." Shepherds carry sticks and they wait in the bell closet which leads to the belfry where there are bats. The Easter before the bell ringer emerged not with a bong but with bat glop all over him, for he had started a kind of bat-poop avalanche. The bat committee labored to no avail. Christmas time came and the bat poop mountain was higher than normal. Meanwhile the shepherds are playing popular songs from a transistor radio hidden in their robes rather than singing the proper "While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night." Tragedy has struck at the narrator's house. The family dog, Frank, has died. Father takes the dog to be disposed of, but all such places are closed on Christmas Eve. So he is forced to stand the old dog up in a neighborhood manger scene. Out of the blue a new dog -- Walter -- appears. The miracle dog must be kept during the pageant. Our little shepherd puts him in the bell room. The pageant proceeds. Walter smells bat poop and heads for the poop pile in the attic. All the actors are in place gathered about Baby Jesus Betsy Wetsy doll. One of the shepherds says, "Shall we go to Bethlehem?" Then adds in a sotto voice "Or shall we dance?" and the music on the hidden radio gets louder. The next thing was "a really loud, long noise of something cracking, like craaaaaaack, and it was coming from the front of the church.... Everybody turned around to look. At first nobody saw what was happening, but then somebody yelled, 'The ceiling!'" Right over Baby Jesus Betsy Wetsy the ceiling was bulging and plaster was falling. The ceiling came falling down, but it wasn't just ceiling. "On top of the ceiling was a chunk of frozen bat poop that was the size of a car.... Walter was standing on top of this giant frozen chunk, like it was his magic carpet." Now that is a Christmas pageant. It beats every bathrobed, dishtoweled wise men and shepherds all hollow. I vote to replace the story of Santa Claus with The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog around every Christmas tree, especially those whose manger scene involves the Baby Jesus Betsy Wetsy doll in the manger. Tom Chaney can be found telling stories, planning his next meal, and occasionally selling books at: The BOOKSTORE in Horse Cave, KY Box 73 / 111 Water Street Horse Cave, Kentucky 42749 (270) 786-3084 Email: Tom Chaney bookstore@scrtc.com To read other Tom Chaney book reviews and essays, enter "Tom Chaney" in the searchbox. This story was posted on 2009-12-13 03:10:21
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Have comments or corrections for this story? Use our contact form and let us know. More articles from topic Tom Chaney: Of Writers and Their Books:
Tom Chaney No. 232:: Who We Are. Horse Cave, KY Tom Chaney, 30 November 2009: Think books for Christmas Tom Chaney: The Ledger of a Country Store Tom Chaney: Getting High in Horse Cave: Helicopters and Chemicals Tom Chaney No. 43: A Mirror Unto Life Tom Chaney No. 230: Review of Grand, Gloomy and Peculiar Tom Chaney No. 229, 1 Nov. 2009: Hosannas to the Herb Divine Tom Chaney: 25 Oct. 2009. Faith and Politics Tom Chaney No. 226, Dan Brown, The Lost Symbol Tom Chaney No. 225, Cussing with Imagination View even more articles in topic Tom Chaney: Of Writers and Their Books |
 
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