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Great Wooded South IV: Buttons Advent of South Central Kentucky's shirt factories may have given rise to one of mankind's greatest advances when a lady shirt factory professional made a fantastic discovery The next earlier Great Wooded South is The biggest fish story ever By Billy Joe Fudge With all due respect to the research departments at the University of Louisville, the University of Kentucky and other great institutions of higher learning, they just are not on the cutting edge when it comes to "real world phenomenon" research. Of course, Adair County and all of South Central Kentucky can be proud that the powers that be in the Great Wooded South's research department are on the forefront of "real world phenomenon" research. Folks can lay down at night with confidence that our researchers are working 24, 7 to explain the unexplainable, to expand the boundaries of our understanding of the universe, and to search out answers to questions that have defied explanation by the greatest of minds like Einstein, Newton, and Galileo. Just after Creation Adam and Eve decided nudity wasn't the best course for them to take. You can read the account for yourself in the first few chapters of Genesis but the reckless actions of these two put in play many problematic "real world phenomenon" which are still causing us problems today. A solution that has been found for one of those problems, according to legend, can be traced directly to a lady problem solver in the Great Wooded South. She inadvertently solved one of the problems that had plagued mankind since Adam first covered his torso. That problem was the incessant loss of one's buttons. Now I know that you are probably thinking to yourself right now that losing buttons off your shirt is not a big deal for you; that it almost never happens. Well ask your parents or grandparents and they can enlighten you about how much of a problem this was for their generations until the research scientists of the Great Wooded South came up with the solution. Great civilizations struggled for millennia with this "real world phenomenon". Many of these peoples are still suffering today because of those struggles. Folks in areas of India and Pakistan for instance, were some of the first people to use buttons and they are still acting out generational frustrations caused by their inability to prevent the loss of their buttons. In most of the great works of art never a smile was seen. Much of this sadness down through the ages could be directly attributable to lost buttons. Only in the last couple of generations have you begun to see smiles in art and photography. The relief from the oppression caused from lost buttons is written all over the faces recorded by modern day artists and photographers. Great Wooded South strategically positioned The Great Wooded South was strategically positioned right smack dab in the middle of the "shirt factory" manufacturing area of South Central Kentucky. Many credible scholars attribute the phrase "shirt factory" to linguists in the Great Wooded South. Much of the labor, management, and research staff for "shirt factories" all around this area either resided or hailed from the Great Wooded South, and although legend does not provide us with a name, it is only logical that a problem of this sort would be solved by a member of the Great Wooded South's scientific community. Down through the ages many individuals, societies, companies, and research institutions have labored with various shapes and sizes of buttons, buttons made from different materials, various types of thread from leather to modern synthetics, button holes cut in various angles, and button holes rimmed with differing materials. Yet each generation lived day in and day out with the heartbreak of lost buttons, social embarrassment, and the fear that their well planned lives could be wrought with the debilitating effects of this "real world phenomenon". Each individual had to learn the life saving art of sewing on buttons. Each individual dared not leave home in the morning with out a couple of spare buttons in the correct size, color, and shape in their pocket. Because of the inherent dangers of carrying a needle in the pocket many carried small boxes with needle and thread, but most just had to depend upon those in the work place or friends to provide assistance to them in case of emergencies. Then one of these "shirt factory" professionals in the Great Wooded South had the bright idea of sewing a couple of extra buttons on the inside panel or on the lower front tip of the shirt. This was an ingenious idea in and of itself because it would always provide the shirt wearer with an extra button of the exact size, shape, and color of the lost button. Although the shirt wearer would still need to deal with the needle part of the equation this would definitely be a liberating invention. Next development made no sense Then something happened that made no sense. Shirts with these extra buttons immediately ceased loosing their buttons, although shirts without the extra buttons continued to frustrate wearers by losing their buttons. It made no sense. Much the same as the earth travelling on its annual journey around the sun at over 60,000 miles per hour without even messing up our hair makes no sense. Nevertheless this nameless researcher in the Great Wooded South had tapped into an unexplainable natural wonder. Did it satisfy some immeasurable balance factor left over from Creation? Did it correlate some relationship with a parallel universe? Did it come into alignment according to the theories of String Matter or E=MC squared? All the countless hours of research trying to explain this effect have been to no avail. I suppose that sometimes we must just be satisfied with the fact that our lives are better even though we can't explain it. This story was posted on 2009-08-23 06:07:01
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