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Carol Perkins: At The Funeral Home Some very valid suggestions on how to, and how to not, act when payiing respectes at the funeral home, written, of course, with Carol Perkins trademark humor. To read her next previous story click on The Name is Perkins An incident in a hotel which only Carol Perkins could describe. By Carol Perkins "At the funeral home" "Doesn't he look natural?" "They sure did a good job." "He looks like he could speak." "She makes a pretty corpse." "He sure looks better than I thought he would. He looks better now than he did last week." "At least he isn't suffering anymore." "Do you know if my flowers arrived?" "Be thankful you have other healthy children." or "You can have more children." "He looks like he's sleeping." "You're young. You'll marry again." "He's in a better place." "Reckon he'll make it?" (That has been said.) "I know how you feel." Do you know where you are? You are standing behind someone in line to view a body at a funeral home, listening to some of the remarks made by those who don't know what to say. Sometimes a simple, "I'm sorry" is enough. However, most of the time that just doesn't seem to be enough. Saying too much is worse than not saying anything. "He looks so natural." How can a dead body look natural? A corpse is not THAT real looking. It is not real looking at all. If a corpse looks natural, then so do wax figures in museums. Granted, Butler's Funeral Home and McMurtrey Funeral Home are the best in the state at preparing bodies, as far as I am concerned, but even they can't take away the dead in dead. "They did a good job." We know this comment means that the person was so sick that he or she looked really bad. I have seen many miracles lying in a casket. It is so much easier on the family when the corpse looks like he looked before sickness. However, saying the undertaker did a good job reminds the bereaved of the process of preparation. Better say, "I'm sorry" and move on. "He looks like he can speak" is a terrible thing to say. It reminds the grieving family that he looks like he can, but he can't. He can't speak because he is dead. If he spoke, we would all be running out the front door. A pretty corpse is an oxymoron. Pretty and corpse don't go together anymore than a definite maybe does. I guess I'd rather be a pretty corpse than an ugly one, but frankly, I don't look at the body closely enough to give it a review. The fact that he looks better dead than alive is absurd. Bloodless and pasty and cold? What does that say about a person when he was living? Sure, he might have looked terrible right before death, but don't remind the family. Better not say that. "At least he isn't suffering anymore." No, he's dead. We want him back the way he was a few months before the suffering. Don't use that one. Whether or not your flowers arrived is the last thing on a grieving person's mind. If you want to know if your flowers are there, scan the arrangements and read the tags. Haven't we all seen people do this? Some of the biggest fights after a funeral occur over who gets what flowers. Tells me no one was really too sad when grandma died if they fight over the flowers. The most inappropriate comment to parents who have lost a child is that they can have more or that they should be thankful for the healthy ones they have. One child doesn't replace another no matter if the baby were hours old or walking. Better to be silent than insensitive. He looks like he is sleeping. No, he doesn't. Sleeping means breathing in and out. He looks dead. Nothing about the two is similar. When a young spouse has passed away , the last thing a widow is thinking about is replacing him (or her) with another person. "You're young" is like saying "You'll get over him soon and move on." Give the spouse a chance to grieve one person before assuming she'll move on to a new one. Keep that thought; don't share it. "He's in a better place" does not console those who want him to be here, right now, and well. Don't say this, thinking that will make anyone feel better. It probably won't. When someone we love leaves us, we are not focusing on a better place. A better place is with us until he is too old to know where he is. Whether or not he makes it to Heaven is not a question the family needs to be asked. If there is a doubt, they are already plagued by that thought and don't need an outsider grinding in the possibility he might be looking up. Has that actually been said? Yes. "I know how you feel" is only true if you have been through exactly the same thing. No two people feel alike in any situation. "You have my sympathy" is better than to tell someone you know how he or she feels. Let that person say that to you, but don't say it to him. The process of visitation is awkward and strained for the family and the friends. Each visitor is searching for something comforting to say and the family is trying to shake hands or asked to relive the sickness or accident with each handshake. Maybe the best thing is to say, "I'm sorry" and move on. After all, no words will make a family feel better at the time. Your presence is all that is required. Better to be short on words than big on mouth with a foot in it. Just my opinion. About the author: Carol (Sullivan) Perkins is a lifelong resident of Edmonton, KY, in Metcalfe County where she taught high school English at Metcalfe County High School until her recent retirement. She is a now a freelance writer. is married to Guy Perkins and they have two children: Carla Green (Mark) of Brentwood, TN and Jon Perkins (Beth) of Austin, TX and six grandchildren. Her latest book, Let's Talk About, is a collection of over 70 of her works, and she is presently working on the second book in this series. Carol's ties to Adair County go back to Breeding where her grandfather, Rufus Reece, and her grandmother Bettie Strange, began their married life and later moved to Metcalfe County. You may contact Carol at cperkins@scrtc.com or write at P.O. Box 134 Edmonton. If you would like a copy of her book, you can order through email. Watch for her next story next Sunday. IF YOU'VE ENJOYED READING CAROL PERKINS' STORIES on ColumbiaMagazine.com, you'll love her book, "Let's Talk About It. . . ." The books are $15 plus $4 for shipping. Send check or cash or money order to Carol Perkins, P.O. Box 134, Edmonton, KY 42129 They can be bought at the Herald Office in Edmonton, KY, or Terri's Fine Jewelry in Glasgow, KY. This story was posted on 2009-06-28 06:05:44
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Have comments or corrections for this story? Use our contact form and let us know. More articles from topic Carol Perkins:
Carol Perkins: The Name is Perkins Carol Perkins: The Gift of Music Carol Perkins: Don't Make Me Go Carol Perkins: Sally Was a Good Girl Carol Perkins: All Gave Some, and Some Gave All Carol Perkins: Waspers, Punkins, and Tators Carol Perkins: Mother's Day and Pity Parties Carol Perkins: I Couldn't Sleep at All Last Night Carol Perkins: A Mall Massage Carol Perkins: Stick Horses View even more articles in topic Carol Perkins |
 
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