- The unnamed "patient"--the United States.

- Dr. Taft--Republican incumbent William Howard Taft, elected in 1908 and running for re-election in 1912.

- Dr. Clark--Speaker of the House Champ Clark, a strong contender for the Democratic nomination. (He should have kept "William J". on his side!)

- William J.--William Jennings Bryan, who had been the (unsuccessful) Democratic candidate in 1896, 1900, and 1908. Although not a presidential hopeful in 1912, his speech at the nominating convention (held about a month after "Sick Abed" appeared in print) played an instrumental role in Woodrow Wilson's nomination on the 46th ballot.

- Dr. Ted--former Republican President Theodore J. Roosevelt who dared to defy tradition by seeking the nomination in 1912 for a third term.

- The Bosses--the political bosses who pretty much ran the parties, determined the candidates, etc.

The wise ones said she's sick abed
with no one to relieve her.
For Dr. Taft is almost dead
With Presidential fever.

Good Dr. Clark did then remark
"The patient's growing weaker,
Her prospects now are very dark,
Unless they call the Speaker."

Our William J. was heard to say
"I'm always in position
To heed the call by night or day
And I'm a fine physician."

Then Doctor Ted looked wise and said
"I've made a diagnosis,
For I'm a doctor, born and bred,
Well skilled in Hocus-Pocus.

"To understand the case in hand
When doctors disagree,
Should leave it all to my command,
For I'm a great M.D.

"To take the case is no disgrace
As all can plainly see,
There's none prepared to fill the place
Except the Lord and me."

Then Doctor Taft replied and laughed,
"Gee, Doc, we're running hosses,
While I am death on greed and graft,
You crucify the Bosses."