ColumbiaMagazine.com
Printed from:

Welcome to Columbia Magazine  
 





























 
First Splanations, I-III: Jim, on matters mostly geographic

The letter below came in response to an urgent need to know the relationships of Jimtown and Th' Sprangs to the Sacred Triangle of Ono, Sano, and Esto, and was directed to JIM, a Forever Russell Countian who now lives in the Far Outland in self-imposed exile. His heart remains true to Canaan-land. His soul sung songs are constant to the Russell County Promised Land, prettier yet, than that of any other Nashville troubadour, though no highway is named for him - for JIM - for Jimtown, that Jerusalem on Monument Circle (as we see it, not JIM), was named neither for him - JIM - or Jimtown Coomer; though it ought to have been, rather than some old English King. His Splanations, with links to the writ of The Venerable Cyrus, follow:

From JIM, able still, in his Elba

Ed, I'm breaking my quasi-self-imposed silence to deliver this message in reply to your kind letter of yesterday.I'm glad the Neatsville Home Guards ar-tickle brought joy to your world. Wouldn't you love to know the identity of "J.W.B"?



Splanation I: The word for the effect of a carlights in animals' eyes

As you may know, I'm a third generation Old Order Luddite (Unreformed), and as such, have no truck with any of the -ologie (or for steering things up). However, during my wild teen years I strayed from the fold and read a book about animals (the four-legged kind, that is) and remember the term "retroreflection" to describe the reflective property of the eyes of critters. This phenomenon is created by the tapetum lucidum, a reflective membrane behind the retina. Or so I read, anyways.

Splanation II: Where to find the Artickle about the Worst Cussin' ever Administered to the No Count Scoundrel and Bully, Champ Ferguson

Now, on to weightier things. The all-overest Champ Ferguson cussin' ever was administered by Columbia blacksmith Bob Eubank(s). Judge H.C. Baker laid forth the tale to the world in 1918 and Cyrus, that mangy scavenger, stol, er, transcribed it for CM readers almost six years ago. You can read all about it at CYRUS/The worst cussing Albany, KY, outlaw Champ Ferguson ever got

Splanation III: Relationship of th' Sprangs, Jimtown, to the Sacred Triangle of Sano, Ono, and Esto the the Promised Land, THE County, Russell County, Kentucky

Jimtown lies without the S.T.

As far as Jimtown and th' Sprangs....Jimtown, located well outside the Sacred Triangle, is still the same sinful, hell-bound place it was when eightscore and five years ago, Clayton Miller prayed his mighty prayer for the inhabitants therein:
AN UNUSUAL PRAYER

"Lord, Thou knowest the embarrassment Thy servant labors under for here are Oliver Garnett Walkup, Allen DeGraffenreid Patterson and Chesley Jones Taylor. Though clever, Lord, they are sometimes inclined to make remarks about Thy servant's prayers. And now, Lord we beseech Thee to visit Old Zion, once more.

Zion, Lord, is a brick church located on the main road leading from Columbia, Kentucky, to Jamestown, five miles from the former. Commence, Lord, to pour out Thy blessings to Jamestown, for Lord, Thou knowest that they are sadly in need of it there...be with our armies in Mexico, whether right or wrong....We of the Democratic Party are sometimes accused of making war for conquest, but we believe it to be a war of defense.

But we would enter no elaborate argument on the subject before Thee, but for further particulars would refer Thee to President Polk's latest annual message, and Thine shall be the praise, both now and forever."
(To read the entire Cyrus Column including sagacious comments, click to Cyrus sends notes on Clayton Miller Prays a Mighty Prayer)

Th' Sprangs is safely ensconced within the borders of the Sacred Triangle, and even the iconclastic JIM finds Baptists there trustworthy (take note, Martha Berry), he continues: -CM
Th' Sprangs, on the other hand, safely ensconced within the borders of the Sacred Triangle, remains a sanctimonious bastion of such staunch uprightness that even some Baptists are trustworthy.

Royville, Franch Valley claims to S.T. status dubious

There remains some question as to whether the border communities of Royville and Franch Valley are Within or Without, the more learned pundits believing that the Withinness or Withoutness depends on the quality of the watches and the strength of the devil's brew distributed three of every four Novembers.

Montpelier, KY, geographically outside, morally belongs

Alas, this missive is far too long already to even mention that Anomaly of Anomalies, Montpelier, it lying well outside the bounds of the Sacred Triangle but being on a plane of such a high and rarefied moral rectitude as to on occasion outshine the most righteous of The Triangle itself. Forever and ever, Amen.

jim (Lower case his'n)

CM PS: Obvious missing Splanation IV: Is Uno supposed to be part of the S.T.? Is it adrift in Hart County because of a spelling error (should of been "Heart of THE County?), or can the geographic aberration be explained by a mere tectonic plate shift? Maybe JIM will render that Delphinic Devination later. -EW


This story was posted on 2011-12-28 03:48:15
Printable: this page is now automatically formatted for printing.
Have comments or corrections for this story? Use our contact form and let us know.



 




























 
 
Quick Links to Popular Features


Looking for a story or picture?
Try our Photo Archive or our Stories Archive for all the information that's appeared on ColumbiaMagazine.com.

 

Contact us: Columbia Magazine and columbiamagazine.com are published by D'Zine, Ltd., PO Box 906, Columbia, KY 42728.
Phone: 270.403.0017


Please use our contact page, or send questions about technical issues with this site to webmaster@columbiamagazine.com. All logos and trademarks used on this site are property of their respective owners. All comments remain the property and responsibility of their posters, all articles and photos remain the property of their creators, and all the rest is copyright 1995-Present by Columbia! Magazine and D'Zine, Ltd. Privacy policy: use of this site requires no sharing of information. Voluntarily shared information may be published and made available to the public on this site and/or stored electronically. Anonymous submissions will be subject to additional verification. Cookies are not required to use our site. However, if you have cookies enabled in your web browser, some of our advertisers may use cookies for interest-based advertising across multiple domains. For more information about third-party advertising, visit the NAI web privacy site.