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Carol Perkins: Triumph in 2 day ordeal with dragon

A little one, neither fire breathing nor damsel devouring type. But heroine saw no reason to quibble over those small details when her castle was invaded, so aggressor was dealt some harsh Metcalfe County justice.
Next earlier Carol Perkins column, and absolute "CM Classic": Carol Perkins: How quick thinking saved Elvis' life

By Carol Perkins

Late one night as I was binge watching "Reign" on Netflix, I heard a rustling sound coming from the kitchen.

Usually, I brush off sounds without fretting about the source, but this was too loud to ignore. I walked around the kitchen, looking but hoping not to find anything too large to conquer. When I didn't find a source for the noise, I went back to the TV and my recliner. Then I heard it again.

Magazine-as-weapon fails in slow mobilization

From my chair, I can see the major part of the kitchen, so I glanced through the dividing doors, and there it was, staring at me. A lizard! I am not comfortable with lizards or snakes, no matter how innocent they may be; so I lowered my chair and looked for a weapon close at hand. I could find nothing but a magazine. By the time I rolled up a magazine and bend over to kill the creature, it would be gone, and then I would have to search for it. I put down the magazine and tiptoed to the utility room for a broom. By the time I got back in sight of the lizard's spot, it was gone. Now I had a real problem. A lizard is one thing, but a hidden lizard is unnerving. I was not going to be able to go to bed with a loose lizard in the house.

A well-armed woman waits patiently

I sat with my broom and waited for the lizard to reappear, but it was smart. I don't know where it was hiding, but it wasn't coming out. I could either sit up all night watching for it or go to bed and hope it found its way outside. How it got in was another of my concerns, but if it got in maybe it could remember how to get out. With that thought satisfying me, I went to bed and tried to forget about the lizard.

A disturbing incident at breakfast

The next morning when I went to the kitchen to make coffee, there it was. Right in the middle of the floor, staring at me again. Our eyes met and mine signaled I wasn't surrendering. With broom in hand, I began to swat at it and it headed for the floor vent. Half way inside with nothing but its tail in view, I had a choice. I could grab its tail and throw the creature out the door or hope it went on through the vent. I didn't want to touch it.

The invader retreats, but finds no place to hide

It backed out of the vent and slithered toward the breakfast area where I planned to corner it The limp broom was not stout enough for a killing, so I picked up my floor steamer and once cornered it, I blotted that lizard out like a rubber stamp. Wham! The tail danced across the floor while the body went belly up with its blue stomach in sight. I swept both out the back door.

Guy offers his kind of solace, his version of 'Poor baby'

When Guy called home from his business trip, I told him about the lizard. "It wouldn't have hurt you," he said. This was coming from a man who would push me in front of a snake.

Any child would have caught the lizard and thrown it out the door to reunite with its family. However, the only good lizard for me is a dead one.

(My new book, A Girl Named Connie, is available at Blossoms Florist and Boutique Unique, 507 Happy Valley Road, Glasgow, KY 42141, Phone 270-629-3597; the Edmonton/Metcalfe Chamber of Commerce, 109 E Stockton Street, Edmonton, KY, Phone 270-432-3222; and the Lighthouse Restaurant, 1500 Sulphur Well/Knob Lick Road, Sulphur Well Historic District, KY 42129 Phone 270-629-3597. And Also on

This story was posted on 2016-08-03 10:36:04
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