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JIM: Whittled with his own snickersnee

Wherein the peripathetic prophet, prognosticator and philosopher gives warning to Knockers those who - never see the good in anything - when one stirs it, one may have to lick the spoon, if one grasps JIM's meaning.

By JIM

When Mr. Timoleon Bradshaw passed beyond this sphere in the closing days of 1906, the News. solemnly (if somewhat floridly) brought forth many attributes of the dearly departed, including a particular favorite of this scribe:


"The deceased...was a man of strong convictions, always to be found on the side of right and justice, and ever ready to give advice to the young and inexperienced, which if heeded was of incalcuble [sic] benefit to them."

Of course, back in those days, when men were men and women were fragile flowers of femininity, no paucity of good, wholesome advice existed. Indeed, it emanated in great quantity from the press, from the pulpit, and from the pen, and (if contemporary reports are given full weight and measure), each and every spoken and printed word of wisdom took permanent habitation in the heart of recipient.

Although Columbia and Adair County had a seemingly limitless supply of homegrown purveyors of profundity, the News. on occasion deemed it worthy to (re)publish the ruminations of outlanders. Such was the case toward the end of July 1902, when the following piece from the Bluegrass Clipper, published at Midway, Kentucky, found its way to the front page of the News.

Please be advised that what appears below is a bowdlerized version, it being thought of this scribe -- perhaps with an over-abundance of trepidatious trembling -- that the original is somewhat pointed in nature and possibly would offend the delicate sensibilities of today's more delicate readers.

Don't be a Knocker

Perhaps you don't know what a knocker is.

Well, a knocker is a fellow who never sees anything good to say of his neighbor or his town...[and believes] the moss grown plenteously on the backs of the principal citizens of the town, while kind faced old citizens roam peacefully through the so-called streets.

The knocker is never so happy as when telling strangers what a poor town he lives in and what a slim chance it offers its young people men to succeed...

The knocker advises you to go to some other town if you want to succeed and assures you that the only good thing to do in his town is to die.

The knocker is a very well-known animal...and exists principally upon shavings which he whittles with his own snickersnee.

- JIM.


This story was posted on 2014-01-26 08:46:55
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