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It's Just Me Again. No. 096: Oh, God! I'm Going Blind!

'The Lord knows the way through the wilderness. All we have to do is follow. . . -CHUCK HINMAN

It's Just Me Again. No. 096 Oh, God! I'm Going Blind!
Is Chuck Hinman your favorite Sunday with CM columnist, as many tell us? If so, we hope you'll drop him a line by email. Reader comments to CM are appreciated.

The next previous Chuck Hinman column, Chuck Hinman IJMA No. 169: Living with Macular Degeneration

By Chuck Hinman

I have had the pee-waddin' scared out of me in the last month or so. I worried that the reason for my rapidly deteriorating vision could almost certainly be traced to the return of the dreaded macular degeneration! I am surrounded by friends at Tallgrass Estates who are living out their days afflicted with this cruel disease. So the possibility I might be a victim sometime, somewhere, was never a distant thought; it was a distinct possibility.



This is my account of what it's like to think (over a short period of time) you are going blind, before you get the doctor's diagnosis. Keep in mind I am a known but unregistered coward. God already knows it, my friends know it, and I know it.

I was not blessed with outstanding vision. As a youngster I wore thick-lens glasses, so thick that many people thought I was staring at them. In 1994 I lost some vision in my left eye from a stroke. Over the years to follow, I adjusted to that loss.

Three years ago, I had a battle with age-related macular degeneration. Dr. Townsend, retina specialist in Tulsa, had difficulty getting the bleeding behind my retina stopped. My vision problems were complicated by my needing cataract surgery on that same eye. They couldn't get to the cataract problem until they had the macular degeneration controlled. In the meantime, except for peripheral vision, my eye was being destroyed. I was in a mess and (yes) not a happy camper.

After those problems were brought under control I had a happy quality of life....

I don't hear well in noisy environs like Tallgrass with 135 oldsters that gab from morning to night! I am unsteady on my feet because of several strokes. My vision has been marginal at best. I have essential tremor (the shakes) that makes me look older than my years.

But even with all that garbage, until a month ago when this unexpected vision thing surfaced, I was coasting along, totally satisfied with my life style and activities.

Why wouldn't I be happy?

I'm accumulating (writing) stories toward a second book, It's Just Me Again. I think I hold my own playing bridge in four local bridge clubs. I play the organ regularly before the evening meals here at Tallgrass Estates. Residents are complimentary and gather before meal time for a concert of their old favorites. I enjoy "showing off!"

There was nothing to suggest that within a month I would have reason to believe I, CHUCK HINMAN AM GOING BLIND! It never entered my mind!

About a month ago, the Visudyne grid eye exam I take every morning showed some "scriggles." I wasn't sure whether they were real or a figment of my imagination, so I didn't blow the whistle to an eye doctor. The scriggles were not clear and distinct but there was unmistakably something wrong with my vision. And the problem became more obvious with each passing day!

I tried denial, but about a week ago I concluded this problem was not going away and I need help yesterday! Oh God, with all that's involved, why did I waste time? I know better from my last experience with AMD. I assume I was having such a good time living each day, I lost track of what this disease is capable of doing.

My appointment was yesterday afternoon at 1:15 with Dr. Townsend in his Tulsa office.

Here's my state of mind as best I can describe it. The day before my appointment I was barely able to read the newspaper. I couldn't see the computer screen well enough to derive any pleasure from that. On Thursday night as I played the organ before the evening meal, I quit shortly after I started playing because I couldn't read the music. I was playing like a visually impaired person!

I turned the organ off, closed the cabinet, and walked to my table totally without a clue what was happening to my eyes.

I concluded that the worst thing possible had happened. Macular degeneration had returned quietly and was quickly and silently destroying my vision.

Oh, God! Is this the direction of my end days? I can tell you right now I DON'T WANT TO BE BLIND -- PLEASE, GOD!

It was so bad, I just sat in my darkened room in total bewilderment. Had I read my last newspaper? Had I played my last song on my organ? Will I never return to the bridge tables? I don't want any of that, God!

I turned off every light in my apartment because I didn't want to be reminded how devastating was my vision loss.

I went to bed and tossed. Yes, I cried and pleaded with God -- what's going on? What did I say or do, God? Do you not like me anymore? Tears were flooding this old man's eyes!

Then my spiritual self revived. I knew in my inward parts that God had not abandoned me. Two scripture verses immediately came to mind: "I will never leave or forsake you," and "(I am) an ever-present help in time of need"

Oh God, what made me think I was in this vision predicament by myself and without resources?

I sat up and turned on the light by my bed.

Before long I had all the lights on in my apartment and I was sitting at my computer enlisting the prayers of the prayer warriors on my churches prayer chain as well as the 87 people in my address book to whom I circulate my stories hot off the press. I assume they had access to God and could intercede on my behalf as I faced the diagnosis of Dr. Townsend and his protg.

Let me add as I was sitting in the chair in Dr. Townsend's office, my eyes dilated, waiting -- that a smile came over my face and I knew without a doubt that I could handle whatever the verdict was. My prayer warriors had gotten the ears of God! Thank you, God, and thank you, friends of Chuck Hinman!

The diagnosis: My macula is dry, I do not have AMD. I do have a cataract that needs to be removed. I have an appointment the first thing in the morning with Dr. Grisham to establish "when that bugger is coming out"... and Chuck Hinman can get on with his life.

Chuck Hinman: January 2007_____The Lord knows the way through the wilderness. All we have to do is follow ...da da dee dee da dum... Chuck Hinman


This story was posted on 2011-10-09 08:11:50
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