Printed from:

Welcome to Columbia Magazine  

Great Wooded South - Smartest Inventions

By Billy Joe Fudge, Retired District Forester
Kentucky Division of Forestry

Just a note to let all you folks with inquiring minds know that the research staff in the Great Wooded South is making great strides attempting to explain hugely difficult happenings. The research is yet incomplete but nevertheless is gaining momentum in spite of massive budget cuts from federal and state government sources. As of late many researchers are continuing their important work at little or no salary and are relying upon friends, neighbors and family to keep going.

I will attempt to explain the nature of the research although I am sure that most of you have already formed your opinions about what is going on from one or more of the many "leaks" that have surfaced over the past couple of years. My explanation may seem complicatedly disjointed but Einstein had problems explaining the makeup of the Universe, so I am in good company.

Ever since the invention of the vacuum thermos bottle and the pop-up toaster there has been a very divisive and discordant difference of opinion about which of the mighty, miraculous, and marvelous inventions of men might be the smartest. Although the research is yet incomplete, the Home Appliance Intelligence Research Inaugurate, HAIRI for short, has released their "short list" with a very preliminary, scientific explanation as to their reasoning.

The HAIRI "Top four list" is determined based upon several criteria which includes what can only be described as "supernatural abilities". Be forewarned that particularly perspicacious youth with underdeveloped emotional underpinnings should not be allowed to surf through this list without responsible adult supervision.
  • 4 - Pop-up Toaster - The pop-up toaster was invented around 1920 and has mildly befuddled researchers ever since. Without the aid of a thermostat or timer somehow the toaster knows exactly when the bread becomes "toast".

  • 3 - Microwave - The microwave is number 3 on the list because of its ability to fry bologna on a paper plate or paper towel without igniting the paper. The microwave is ahead of the pop-up toaster because it also has the ability to open its own door when a lap-top computer is placed inside.

  • 2 - Vacuum Thermos Bottle -This device was invented over a hundred years ago in Europe of all places and has puzzled and perplexed scientists for the entire century. You put hot liquid in and it keeps the liquid hot. You put cold liquid in and it keeps the liquid cold. Investigators have yet to determine how it knows how to tell the difference between hot and cold liquids in order to either cool or heat its contents.

  • 1 - Clothes Dryer - The clothes dryer is number 1 not because of its ability to dry clothes but its ability to think and respond on its own. Baffled and bewildered researchers have been laboring since the demise of the clothes line to explain how the lowly clothes dryer can without fail turn a man's t-shirts and briefs wrong side out. Also they cannot find any evidence that women's garments of equal stature have ever been similarly adversely affected. Frustrated researchers had hoped initially that this might be just a matter of physics, so t-shirts and briefs were turned wrong side out prior to being put in the dryer with the hope that they would be turned right side out upon removal. However, after several thousand experiments not one single wrong side out t-shirt or brief was ever found to be turned right side out.
We researchers in the Great Wooded South are continuing the quest to explain these eerie phenomenon and miracles of physics.

This story was posted on 2010-11-27 09:34:30
Printable: this page is now automatically formatted for printing.
Have comments or corrections for this story? Use our contact form and let us know.

To sponsor news and features on ColumbiaMagazine, please use our contact form.


Quick Links to Popular Features content is available as an RSS/XML feed for your RSS reader or other news aggregator.
Use the following link:

Contact us: Columbia Magazine and are published by D'Zine, Ltd., PO Box 906, Columbia, KY 42728.
Phone: 270-250-2730 Fax: 270-751-0401

Please use our contact page, or send questions about technical issues with this site to All logos and trademarks used on this site are property of their respective owners. All comments remain the property and responsibility of their posters, all articles and photos remain the property of their creators, and all the rest is copyright 1995-Present by Columbia! Magazine and D'Zine, Ltd. Privacy policy: use of this site requires no sharing of information. Voluntarily shared information may be published and made available to the public on this site and/or stored electronically. Anonymous submissions will be subject to additional verification. Cookies are not required to use our site. However, if you have cookies enabled in your web browser, some of our advertisers may use cookies for interest-based advertising across multiple domains. For more information about third-party advertising, visit the NAI web privacy site.