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CYRUS/ Varmintology Report From 1971: The Sad Saga of Big Hop

Varmintologist Cyrus traces the W.K. Neat compelling story "Jake Burton's giant grasshopper kidnapped, held for ransom," A W.K. Neat thriller. There is a large bit of Pete Walker influence in the story. Mr. Walker was Dr. Neat's chronicler and co-conspirator in things varmintological. By day, both led led noble, notable lives: Dr. Neat as the thorough but fair PVA; Mr. Walker as a Christian democrat and friend of Governors and an acquaintance of Presidents.
In his "Green River Sprite" Varmintology Report of July 17, 1971, B.K.U.V. founder Dr. W.K. Neat made passing reference to a once and (possibly) future Adair County Varmint of the first water.


The Good Professor, with neither preamble nor further ado, wrote these cryptic lines:


The rumors are out that Jake Burton's giant grasshopper was kidnapped on its return trip to Kentucky and is being held for ransom. Nobody will talk much about the kidnapping but reliable sources have informed me that a small fortune is being asked for its safe return. I understand that the FBI has assigned several agents to the case.
Then, for four long weeks as Adair Countians from Casey Creek to Cundiff and from Montpelier to Milltown waited for so much as a scrap of news -- nothing. Not a word. Deafening silence. One might suppose Dr. Neat didn't want to upset delicate ransom negotiations, for the next report of this Varmint Extraordinaire, in the August 14 edition, made no mention of the Great Grasshopper Grab:
Jake Burton's giant grasshopper has arrived from Valdosta, Georgia and is grazing on Mr. Burton's farm.

Mr. Burton kindly requests the public to refrain from disturbing the big hopper at this time, due to the fact that molting season is near.

Mr. Burton said he would inform the public whenever the molting season is over and at that time the big one will be on display.
Back to our story in a moment, but first this public service announcement, brought to you by B.K.U.V.: Gus Modrell of Coburg would like to trade a heifer doodlebug to a young male doodlebug.

And now, back to our story.

Sadly, oh sadly, the screamer headline of Dr. Neat's September 4 Varmintology Report brought grim tidings; that once again, the pride of Burton Ridge of a varmint had been the target of foul play; to wit:


Old Purdy, Adair County, is scene
of dastardly crime -- grasshoppernapping
Old Purdy, located near Green River in eastern Adair County and just this side of the Narrows on highway 206, was the scene of the dastardly crime of kidnapping or I should say grasshopper napping since it was Jake Burton's big grasshopper that got napped.

When questioned, Mr. Burton gave the following account. Mr. Burton stated that late Monday afternoon he watered and fed Big Hop and allowed him to graze for about half an hour, then curried and combed his wings and stabled old Hop in the barn hallway. That's the usual daily procedure required by Big Hop. After dark Mr. Burton and family retired for the night and was aroused sometime during the night by the sound of a truck turning around in his driveway.

Upon going to the barn to feed in the morning Mr. Burton immediately noticed that Big Hop was missing also a calf halter was missing.

Mr. Burton believes that some low down scoundrel sneaked into the barn and enticed Big Hop with a plug of sweet chewing tobacco, then slipped the halter on the big grasshopper and whisked it away.

"It is rumored that Mr. Burton has turned down several buyers with offers from circuses, carnivals, a Hollywood motion picture show, a country music singing star, a well known gospel quartet and a Nationally known fried chicken company.

When questioned as to receiving any ransom letter or phone calls, Mr. Burton replied, no comment. But did say a substantial reward would be offered soon. So far the local authorities have a few partial clues. The description of a truck with Tennessee licences, a broken shoe string, the cap from a ball point pen and a wad of chewing tobacco.

Naturally, the Burton family are heartbroken about Big Hop being stolen and an air of sadness darkens the household. Everyone connected with Big Hop the giant grasshopper is hoping for his safe return.
By September 18, there was no break in the case, as Professor Neat straightforwardly reported there was no Big Hop report, but new information came to light the following week in the September 25 edition when Mrs. Edna E. Burton reported some "real clues" as to the whereabouts of Old Hop, as well as Mr. Burton's calf halter, which, she stated, "he needs real bad."
Mrs. Burton further stated her neighbor, Mrs. S.P. Hudson, had informed Mrs. Burton that "she thought she knew right where he was up on Sulphur Creek, at Pikes Ford, locked up in a barn (poor thing.)

Mrs. Burton then intimated in the strongest possible way that "Mr. Neat and my husband, F.W. Burton should investigate.

But alas, here ends the saga of Big Hop, as least as reported in the extant issues of the "Green River Sprite," his fate and that of Mr. Jake Burton's prize calf halter just two more tantalizing mysteries in the murky annals of Adair County Varmintology.

Does anyone have additional knowledge of this most perplexing case that most assuredly would have driven even Sherlock Holmes & Evan Akin to distraction?

Perhaps individuals with long-held secrets pertinent to this case will be more forthcoming with information upon being told the statute of limitations on the kidnapping of Big Hop has long since run out. (I would, however, suggest these individuals consult with a attorney of great renown about the charges possibly still in force regarding the disappearance of Mr. Burton's best calf halter.

Perhaps The Graduate him- or herself will step forth from the shadows to enlighten us all. We can but hope.

Followup on activities of H.S.S.S.S.A.C.


In the September 28, 1971 issue, Dr. Neat proudly announced that "Brad Harrison of Cane Valley has been appointed chief assistant varmintologist for this county. Mr. Morrison has successfully acquired degrees in spoofing, hoodooing, backtracking and double talk." We mortals can but aspire to such greatness!

In the September 4, 1971 edition, Dr. Neat declared that "We wish to welcome Ray Rice and Shorty Holt into the varmintologist Hoop Snake and Saucer Sighting Society of Adair County." Was the H.S.S.S.S.A.C. a secret society within B.N.U.V., so secret that even the members didn't know it existed?

Humbly submitted,

CYRUSCentral Ohio Bureau Chief, the Phantom Cyrus, the Mysterious One, Exalted Historian, Noble leader-in-exile of the Russell County Diaspora, Vaunted Varmintologist


This story was posted on 2006-01-16 06:06:57
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Pete Walker with friends: Gradyvillian was a humorist compared to Twain, Will Rogers



2006-01-16 - USA - Photo from an old family archive. Everyone in Adair County can instantly recognize the man on the left: Gradyvillian Pete Walker, one of the most remarkable Adair County native sons of the 20th Century. He was as at ease with Presidents as with foxhunters, and one of the best writers from a county which seems to produce great authors in abundance. When Pete Walker and W.K. "Billy" Neat teamed up, the whole county was in for an uproarious time. Few will forget when Deputy Sheriff Candy Mann made the pair kill off Ole Rob, the graverobber, because the local S.O. was getting too many early morning calls that Ole Rob was under their house, making digging noises. The Saga of Big Hop, which was just resurrected by Cyrus and which accompanies this photo, had its genesis in a Texas Braggs postcard, which showed two big men carrying a mammoth grasshopper on a pole between them. Walker's humor was often likened to that of Will Rogers and Mark Twain, and he was often introduced at speaking engagements as being in their company. Oh yeah, the other two men in the photo averaged well for their parts, too, we're told.
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