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CYRUS/ Varmintology Report From 1971: The Sad Saga of Big Hop Varmintologist Cyrus traces the W.K. Neat compelling story "Jake Burton's giant grasshopper kidnapped, held for ransom," A W.K. Neat thriller. There is a large bit of Pete Walker influence in the story. Mr. Walker was Dr. Neat's chronicler and co-conspirator in things varmintological. By day, both led led noble, notable lives: Dr. Neat as the thorough but fair PVA; Mr. Walker as a Christian democrat and friend of Governors and an acquaintance of Presidents. In his "Green River Sprite" Varmintology Report of July 17, 1971, B.K.U.V. founder Dr. W.K. Neat made passing reference to a once and (possibly) future Adair County Varmint of the first water. The Good Professor, with neither preamble nor further ado, wrote these cryptic lines: The rumors are out that Jake Burton's giant grasshopper was kidnapped on its return trip to Kentucky and is being held for ransom. Nobody will talk much about the kidnapping but reliable sources have informed me that a small fortune is being asked for its safe return. I understand that the FBI has assigned several agents to the case.Then, for four long weeks as Adair Countians from Casey Creek to Cundiff and from Montpelier to Milltown waited for so much as a scrap of news -- nothing. Not a word. Deafening silence. One might suppose Dr. Neat didn't want to upset delicate ransom negotiations, for the next report of this Varmint Extraordinaire, in the August 14 edition, made no mention of the Great Grasshopper Grab: Jake Burton's giant grasshopper has arrived from Valdosta, Georgia and is grazing on Mr. Burton's farm.Back to our story in a moment, but first this public service announcement, brought to you by B.K.U.V.: Gus Modrell of Coburg would like to trade a heifer doodlebug to a young male doodlebug. And now, back to our story. Sadly, oh sadly, the screamer headline of Dr. Neat's September 4 Varmintology Report brought grim tidings; that once again, the pride of Burton Ridge of a varmint had been the target of foul play; to wit: of dastardly crime -- grasshoppernapping Old Purdy, located near Green River in eastern Adair County and just this side of the Narrows on highway 206, was the scene of the dastardly crime of kidnapping or I should say grasshopper napping since it was Jake Burton's big grasshopper that got napped.By September 18, there was no break in the case, as Professor Neat straightforwardly reported there was no Big Hop report, but new information came to light the following week in the September 25 edition when Mrs. Edna E. Burton reported some "real clues" as to the whereabouts of Old Hop, as well as Mr. Burton's calf halter, which, she stated, "he needs real bad." Mrs. Burton further stated her neighbor, Mrs. S.P. Hudson, had informed Mrs. Burton that "she thought she knew right where he was up on Sulphur Creek, at Pikes Ford, locked up in a barn (poor thing.) But alas, here ends the saga of Big Hop, as least as reported in the extant issues of the "Green River Sprite," his fate and that of Mr. Jake Burton's prize calf halter just two more tantalizing mysteries in the murky annals of Adair County Varmintology. Does anyone have additional knowledge of this most perplexing case that most assuredly would have driven even Sherlock Holmes & Evan Akin to distraction? Perhaps individuals with long-held secrets pertinent to this case will be more forthcoming with information upon being told the statute of limitations on the kidnapping of Big Hop has long since run out. (I would, however, suggest these individuals consult with a attorney of great renown about the charges possibly still in force regarding the disappearance of Mr. Burton's best calf halter. Perhaps The Graduate him- or herself will step forth from the shadows to enlighten us all. We can but hope. In the September 28, 1971 issue, Dr. Neat proudly announced that "Brad Harrison of Cane Valley has been appointed chief assistant varmintologist for this county. Mr. Morrison has successfully acquired degrees in spoofing, hoodooing, backtracking and double talk." We mortals can but aspire to such greatness! In the September 4, 1971 edition, Dr. Neat declared that "We wish to welcome Ray Rice and Shorty Holt into the varmintologist Hoop Snake and Saucer Sighting Society of Adair County." Was the H.S.S.S.S.A.C. a secret society within B.N.U.V., so secret that even the members didn't know it existed? Humbly submitted, CYRUSCentral Ohio Bureau Chief, the Phantom Cyrus, the Mysterious One, Exalted Historian, Noble leader-in-exile of the Russell County Diaspora, Vaunted Varmintologist This story was posted on 2006-01-16 06:06:57
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