Epistle: Cousin Russ Walker, BRBB member closest to President, writes of dire threat to nation's capital; He sounds alert

Most extensive call to action for Kentuckians since Henry Watterson's threat in recent Tilden-Hayes election

Dear Cousin Ed,

I send to you important information on the continuing encroachment by bears of our public spaces here in the nation's capital. While we tolerated the deer (two of which were corralled in the White House gates last year), bears are another thing entirely. Please alert our fellow BRBB members and let them know of the grave threat the ursine race is posing to our President and brave lawmakers. Sound the alarm, write your congressman, time is of the essence!

Yours in BRBB faithfulness,

Russell H. Walker

God bless you, Cousin Russ. And may God bless our country. May He protect our lawmakers from bears, and our beloved President from bear attacks, the wrath of the Vikings, and the son of Belle Starr. -ED.

What Mr. Walker has delivered to us is an article from our peer publication, The Washington Post, which details a great threat to beardom, national security, and the economy of Adair County.

The simple fact is, Washington, D.C., is no more equipped to handle the influx of rogue bears than Campbellsville, KY. (No slur to Kentucky's most respected Mayor or the City of Progress' achievements; these are just facts). So far as we know, neither of these towns has so much as a single bear expeditionary unit, much less a functioning, campaign-ready local Bear Board.

The Washington Post article which Mr. Walker sent cites an incident in which a woman walking a little dog first mistakes a bear cub for a chow dog. (But don't jump to conclusions that she was a wildlife officer just because that seems to be their automatic response to bear sightings. She wasn't.) Realizing that chow dogs don't climb trees, she determined that the animal was in fact, a bear cub. And she ran, the Post reported, thinking the mama bear might be close behind.

The article noted that, since Maryland has banned bear hunting, the animals' range is expanding, and they are moving east and south. They described it that way. Columbia! BRBB members would have more accurately described the direction of the bears as "Adairward."

Remember when Columbia's Dr. Nathan Gaither's great-nephew Henry Watterson, the great Louisville editor, said that 100,000 Kentuckians would see Tilden done justice in the Tilden-Hayes disputed election of 1876. Of course you do. Russ Walker's alert to us is akin to Watterson's back then. As you remember, Tilden wasn't done justice, and that time, 100,000 Kentuckians didn't right a wrong.

But then, Watterson was not nigh as eloquent in his appeal as you, Bear Board Agent Russell Hughes Walker, are. So we are answering your call to save the capital from the bears. To pick up a bear or two, gentle them down, make pets of them, bring them here and assure the future of the Adair County Bear-based economy.

As time is of the essence, we are moving this to the top of our agenda. Nothing, will stand in our way. We will take the matter up posthaste, the next time two or three BRBB members congregate. And just as soon as Joe Moore and I secure funding for the Exploration of the Stretch of Russell Creek from Harry Lee's Service Station on KY E80 to Milltown, hitherto uncharted by European settlers, why then we'll address this National Bear Crisis amain. If you, Mr. Walker, have influence with those birds over at National Geographic, put in a word for funding the expedition. In fact, we're fixing on coming directly on to Washington, DC, right after we get their check.

Russ Walker is the closest BRBB member to President Clinton, not the Adair Countian closest to the President. That would be Adair Countian Audrey Tayse, who is in the White House. However, Ms. Tayse has not achieved BR Bear Board status, making Russ Walker our closest agent. Mr. Walker lives in the 200 block of A Street NE, which is pretty close to the President William Jefferson Clinton, I tell you.

-ED, BR Bear Board factotum